Relationships, at what price?

written 2008

Every relationship has it challenges. One has to wonder if it is worth having others in their lives at all. Some are offended about this or that. And sometimes they tell you other times they don’t.

Whether they tell you not, you will still feel it and know that something is amiss in the friendship. So you have to decide how many days you want to lament and wonder about this unknown equation in your life. Asking them if you offended them may get you no where, except in the doghouse.

I am already over 50 and I just realised that all the books and movies that we watch are about relationships. In the last few years I have resolved myself to eliminate high maintenance relationships. Those that make me feel guilty or are rude or hurtful to me. My life has been improving since hauling around rotten stinking baggage for someone else? Not!

I have even realised that the flesh and blood sister who has disowned me for some ungodly reason of her own is not and never was been someone that I need in my life. She just happened to born of the same parents. If I met her on the street I would enjoy her personality but I would never make her a friend of mine.

About three weeks ago, I was sitting in the hospital waiting for one of my sisters to go through a test of some sort. And there was a woman sitting there after returning from the ordeal, which awaited my sister. I heard her ask the nurses to call her husband and the nurses said no one was at the end of the line. The woman was sore and sad. I said the next time she needed to have something done at the hospital that she should bring a sister. She replied with, I don’t have a sister. “Well” I told her, a sister is not someone who has to be blood related. It could be a good friend. I realised how true that is. Cause whether or not you have flesh and blood sisters or not they may or may not like you. But if you create relationships that are good and kind these relationships you need to keep. These relationships withhold the pressure of time. They forgive you or overlook stuff because they live in the world of reality. They know that it could happen to them. ACCEPTENCE.

You cannot pick your family members. Some of them you may feel you have to, or you may want to tolerate because they gave you birth or they donated sperm. Sometimes that is the case. But as for siblings you have no choice in that matter and you were not responsible for bringing them up either. That is the parent’s responsibility even if they left it to you.
I am the mother of one child. As a young person I really never thought I would have any at all. And that was because I did not want any. I remember my mother being dismayed at that. She would say when you meet the right man you will want to have children with him. Well I really only think deeply about that statement now. She had five of us with a no good husband and she knew it after the third.

Well I was convinced to have a child when someone threw my birth control pills in the garbage and threw grease on them the next morning. I wasn’t about to dig them out and I thought well what the heck. So I got pregnant.

First off, I gotta tell you that I would never trade my life for anyone else’s right now. But that baby was a handful. She was beautiful and smart. But she cried all the time and projectile vomited all the time. The rug in the apartment we rented was bleached all out from puking. I cleaned it up of course but it bleached the rug. My husband at the time was not interested in resolving any of this he went golfing. And I was left with the difficulty of what to do next. Doctors said she was okay. There were many days that we jumped in a vehicle and drove to the big city just to have a different doctor look at her. He would say do this or do that. And you know what? It worked for a bout a half-hour.

I remember going to Calgary where one of my sisters lived. My mom was visiting from England at that time. My sister Margaret had a daughter too a little older than mine. At the same time my cousin Tony was visiting Calgary from England and he and I wanted to go to the Calgary stampede together. My mom and my sister were great. They said go for it. So Tony and I took off for as many hours as I could get away. When we got back my mother was amazed at my daughter’s ability to stay awake and her staying power to wale each time you tried to lay her down. She would wail even if you tried to sit your sorry ass down. She wanted a tour of the whole house. And if you didn’t give it to her she cried and cried and cried and cried. Imagine a woman who had five children, my mother was amazed. It has been worth keeping the relationship between my daughter and me. She is a genuinely beautiful person. And now she has two children of her own. I know she wonders what life would be like without kids sometimes. I bet it would be peaceful. But maybe later very lonely.

That is what relationships are all about. People who bring feelings to you life. I think the feelings should all be good.

Those hermits you see are people who have honed their place in life without any other people in it. They have experienced the nastiness of people and have decided that they have had enough of it. Is that so bad?
Well we have to wonder don’t we? I remember as a child if someone lived a singularly life they would be weird. We would make up stories about he or she killed their spouse and stuff. Or they live in a haunted house. Or they are watching us. Lord knows what can be made up about loners. We work at it too. People who have no children and live all alone are targets for us. The hermit of our society has had to give up what people think of them and just do the best they can with what they have. Sometimes that is a lot of things. Some hermits gather all their money and hoard it and watch it grow. That is the pleasure they get in this life. They have no relations to leave it. Perhaps they have a houseful of cats and they leave it to the cats.

My sister Margaret had no unkindness towards anyone. She took in all kinds of older people into our home. We all got to the point that we knew if anyone was going drag home a stray “whatever” it would be Maggie. Well one day my mom was washing floors. And Maggie brought home a very elderly lady. Mom was so annoyed. Mrs. Ott. She was a beautiful old lady and became my mom’s closest friend for many years. Mrs. Ott left us all with a little something. She taught me that when sharing out candies she would always say “one for you and one for me” then she would pause and say “and one for me again.” I will never forget that. She would never fail to bring us some sweets. Many of the people that Maggie brought home have long died and are gone forever. But Maggie continues to have an openness that has never been quelled even after all the teasing and the firm demands from my mother. Maggie’s life mission is to notice the lonely. Perhaps she has a profound loneliness herself. Who knows? I do know that when this woman hugs you; you know you have been hugged. She can make you feel so important just by that hug. Thank God for people like her. I bet there aren’t many because I only know one.

If you have a partner who is as irresponsible as the day is long you have to decide what you need to do. I got out. I like the guy he just never did me any favours. I have a beautiful daughter and she is all mine. Cause I was there for her. She asked me to walk her down the aisle the day she got married. That was one of my very special moments. And the rewards for being with my daughter through thick and thin cannot be measured.


About pardonmyblog

Learning to become a hermit. 2013 still learning. It is tough when there are so many humans around.
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